The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is a popular topic for jokes. They usually ridicule mutual misunderstandings and nit-picking on both sides. Why does this happen? Psychologists assure that the main reason is that the mother-in-law is acutely worried loss of his dominance over his own son, because from the moment of the wedding she is no longer the closest person in his life.
It should be understood that endless conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can quickly destroy any marriage . That is why the mother of the groom should learn to restrain her own aggression and once again not provoke her son’s chosen one into quarrels and scandals. The article will describe the reasons for squabbles between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, as well as provide psychological recommendations on how to effectively establish harmonious relationships between them.
Why the mother-in-law doesn't love her daughter-in-law: psychology
Conflicts arise for several reasons:
- most often the problem is related to “loss of power.” If the mother of a loved one is narcissistic and treats her son as an extension of her own self, and not a self-sufficient person, then a conflict with her daughter-in-law is inevitable. After all, she “steals” the child;
- Controversies flare up due to the “separation of powers” (especially if two women live under the same roof). The mother-in-law, accustomed to running the house, suddenly finds herself with an incomprehensible “competitor” with “strange” ideas about how to cook, clean, look, and raise children;
- the son's wife constantly criticizes any recommendations and advice from her mother-in-law;
- the daughter-in-law manipulates her husband and tries to turn him against his mother;
- her mother-in-law gossips and “throws mud” behind her back;
- inspires children that their grandmother is an evil and bad person;
- fundamentally does not accept help from her husband’s parents, even if she really needs it.
There are many other reasons of a subjective nature.
Almost all of the above reasons that provoke anger and irritation in the mother-in-law towards the daughter-in-law belong to the objective factors of hatred.
To put it simply, the son’s beloved consciously and purposefully “increases” the tension between herself and her mother-in-law in order to alienate or completely deprive her of influence on her husband. But experts are convinced that difficulties in relationships between two women can also be caused by less obvious behavioral acts such as gossip or manipulation.
Hidden factors in conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are:
- Mother's jealousy towards her son's chosen one.
- Biological intolerance of two subjects of the relationship.
- Characterological differences.
- The mother-in-law’s feeling of her own “uselessness” after her son found a replacement for her in the form of a wife.
- This reason is especially acute if she raised him alone.
- Inappropriate envy on the part of the mother-in-law, caused by the realization that her youth has already passed.
Whatever the true motives of the conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, if they are not resolved in time, they threaten to develop into ongoing battles for influence and defending their own views and beliefs on both sides.
Living in such an atmosphere is a constant stress not only for those directly involved in scandals, but also for their immediate circle.
Especially for a man who will be emotionally “torn” between his mother and his wife, not knowing which side to take.
Where does hostility come from?
A large number of reasons can be given. More often than not, hostility arises when the son first meets his fiancée. Usually it all starts with jealousy. Maternal jealousy manifests itself when the mother sees that her son is already an adult man and is capable of giving warmth and love to another, strange woman, and the mother begins to fade into the background. But this is her mother’s little blood, whom she raised “for herself.” Some mothers are so concerned about their child that they sometimes “survive” their young wife and calm down when their son spends time with her. As a rule, this behavior is typical of single mothers and those who themselves have not seen or felt warmth next to their husband. Because of this, they sent all their love and affection to their son, and then they cannot survive such a “betrayal.”
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Hatred may appear later, when the young people live together. Wives sometimes take on too much power, starting to lead their husbands, forcing the latter to “ask for time off” even to meet with their mother. No mother would like this behavior of her daughter-in-law.
Another reason is the emergence of misunderstandings - this can be due to many factors. For example, different visions of how to prepare your son’s favorite dish, how to set the table, how to raise a child. Going further into the wilds, a real war could break out.
What to do if your mother-in-law hates your daughter-in-law: advice from a psychologist
The following tips will help make your relationship with your loved one's mother less painful.
Respecting boundaries
From the very beginning, we let the mother-in-law understand that it is impossible to “invade” the personal space of the young spouses. It must dawn on the husband's mother that it is not good to visit whenever you want, or to call at the wrong time.
Also, the mother of her loved one must realize that her advice is not welcome. Young people without a “mother” will perfectly decide which kindergarten is better, where it is safe to send their child, what curtain to decorate the window with. But you shouldn’t blame your mother-in-law for giving advice. A woman must realize that her experience is valuable, but everyone has the right to step on a rake and do it their own way. Let’s thank our husband’s mother for the advice, then we’ll do as we see fit.
We will also try to be less frank with our mother-in-law if she is unfriendly. After all, a woman can use “personal” information against her daughter-in-law.
Let's try a little trick. We ask my husband's mother for advice
The spouse's mother may thaw a little and begin to treat him better if she thinks that her opinion is valuable. Therefore, let’s ask how best to cook fried chicken or treat a child with a sore throat. Let's pretend that the advice was very helpful. We will grow up in the eyes of our beloved mother.
If you have a bad relationship with your mother-in-law, using such advice from a psychologist is quite effective.
Let's learn something from men
A man, unlike a woman, tolerates interpersonal problems more easily and worries much less about what relatives think. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity understand: it is not necessary to love relatives, you just need to be able to get along. Let's try to do the same.
There is no point in “falling in love” with your spouse’s mother, we will try, just so that it does not lead to a “hot” war.
Let's figure out why the actual criticism of the spouse's mother hurts so much
Let's figure out why the mother-in-law's critical remarks are so painful, why it is so difficult to ignore them. Maybe the problem is explained by a subconscious expectation: will others approve of our actions?
It is very important to instill in ourselves: we are valuable individuals, regardless of how we dress, look, cook, or raise children. This means that criticism from the husband’s mother is unimportant and should not hurt. It is stupid to create a conflict with your mother-in-law because of unpleasant reproaches. There is no such recommendation in the advice of a psychologist.
How to communicate and get along with your mother-in-law, stop hating her: advice from a psychologist
To get along with your loved one’s mother, you should listen to the following advice from psychologists.
Let's try to understand
Psychologists recommend making an effort, trying to understand the mother of your loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. Then we will get to the bottom of the cause of the conflict and develop a realistic strategy for resolving it. Let's try to figure out what gave rise to hostility, let's evaluate the situation through the eyes of the husband's mother.
Perhaps she is a very suspicious person, terribly afraid of old age and loneliness. When a daughter-in-law appears, the mind of the husband's mother is filled with fear that soon no one will need her. The woman develops hostile feelings towards the young woman. Also, the husband’s mother may be afraid: her daughter-in-law will make her beloved son unhappy.
We assess the situation realistically
Expectations create suffering, says the ancient Buddhist wisdom. Let's listen to her and try to look at things realistically. If the husband’s mother does not help much in raising the child, believing that this is primarily the responsibility of the parents, then there is no need to be angry with her.
Yes, she poorly meets expectations, but resentment will only aggravate the situation. It will never be possible to remake an adult, fully formed person. Therefore, you need to “work with what you have.”
Resist reality, assert: “I hate my mother-in-law, and that’s all!” - unreasonable. The psychologist's advice contains a recommendation not to view life through rose-colored glasses.
Let's learn to easily tolerate criticism
It's actually not that difficult to do. You just need to master a simple visualization technique. This is self-hypnosis using the power of your own imagination. We need to take a chair or bed, get comfortable, then imagine, for example, that all the criticism addressed to us is just a small harmless stream of water in the shower. Its drops flow down the shoulders and do no harm.
In order to get along or at least not fight with the mother of our beloved husband, we will show wisdom and patience, and try to find reasonable compromises.
Mother-in-law destroys the family
The question is often asked: “What to do if she moved in with us? The mother-in-law is destroying the family!” The main advice of psychologists is to realize that if there is love, intimacy, support and trust between spouses, no intrigues will destroy the marriage.
The question of how to put the mother-in-law in her place will not arise if the husband understands, no matter how much he loves and respects his mother, his primary duty is to protect his own family. The wife can always show wisdom and smooth out too sharp corners. Consider your mother as one of the difficulties on the path to happiness.
Reconciliation consultant, Alexander Trunov, about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law:
We are talking about this topic with family psychologist and reconciliation consultant Alexander TRUNOV:
Why does conflict arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?
The mother-in-law is one of the representatives of the clan, which includes the future daughter-in-law. And to maintain peace in the family, the daughter-in-law must literally enter this family, this clan, take her husband’s surname, and then the mother-in-law will be supportive. But often the daughter-in-law is not part of her husband’s family, but, on the contrary, tries to take him to her place. This is where conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
It is important to understand that the mother-in-law is afraid of losing her son, and the daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her. But husband and son are different subpersonalities, different components. Therefore, the daughter-in-law takes her husband and leaves her son to her mother.
In turn, the mother gives her husband to her daughter-in-law, and keeps her son for herself. When this separation is present, there is no conflict. It happens that a daughter-in-law forces her husband to make a difficult choice: “Either me or mom.”
It is not right.
After all, no matter how old he is, he will still remain a child to his parents. Therefore, a choice is often made in favor of the mother. And, even if he chooses a wife, conflicts will constantly be present in their relationship.
But why does the mother-in-law react this way to changes in the family?
Again, I repeat that this happens because the mother is afraid of losing her son. For many mothers, a son is the best man in life. After all, a woman often tries to correct or remake her husband, but she fails, but with a child she succeeds.
This creates a powerful, intimate bond between mother and son. When another woman comes and tries to take away this over-aged “baby,” then, of course, she will meet resistance from her mother-in-law.
Also, you should not miss the moment when the boy must come under the influence of his father. But more often than not, boys remain under the influence of their mother, this is especially typical for Russian families.
Why are there families where people maintain good relations with the parents of the husband and wife, and there are families in which conflicts almost never subside?
There is a hierarchy in the extended family system. Everyone who enters it has their place: children, parents, grandmothers - they all take their place. If the lower hierarchy does not claim the place of the higher one, then there is no conflict.
It occurs where there is disrespect and disruption, for example, if a daughter-in-law tells her husband: “I am better than your mother.” For a conflict to arise, such a phrase will be enough.
The next important point: it is good when children ask their parents for blessings before getting married. This request is a sign of respect for parents. I think that then relations will develop more peacefully.
What influences a woman’s qualities as a mother-in-law?
A woman's qualities as a mother-in-law are influenced by how she or her mother got along with their in-laws. She will behave in the same way as she or her mother behaved with her mother-in-law: she unconsciously, automatically switches on behavioral mechanisms that she has long forgotten about.
If a daughter-in-law comes to her husband’s house, then the hostility between her and her mother-in-law often begins with the fact that they are psychologically cramped in the same kitchen. How to minimize nerve-wracking kitchen battles?
Young people need to live separately.
But if you still cannot avoid living together with your parents, then you need to try to do your things in turn. You can also introduce a role-based distribution of responsibilities: who will do what.
Where does negativity come from?
My mother-in-law hates me - what should I do? Many married girls today ask this kind of question. A mother-in-law’s negative attitude towards her daughter-in-law can begin at a subconscious level, starting from the very moment when the object of “sharing” between women was just born. From the day your chosen one was born, your mother-in-law raised a real man who, in fact, should be ideal for her. This feature is especially clearly manifested in those ladies whose husband does not correspond to their ideas about an ideal life partner, as well as in divorced women and single mothers. Therefore, while raising her son, the mother, on a subconscious level, strives to provide herself with support and support in the future. And everything would be fine, but the years go by, the son grows up, finds a life partner, and the mother realizes that she is gradually losing him. The young man devotes more and more time and attention to his lady love, and his mother, meanwhile, “tears and rushes.” Is there any point in further explaining why mothers-in-law hate their daughters-in-law?
Relationship with daughter-in-law: what not to talk about
If you decide to become a “second mother” for your daughter-in-law, then you need to start with the correct construction of interpersonal communication. It is constructive dialogue that is the first step in the formation of adequate relationships between people.
Therefore, psychologists have identified a number of “forbidden topics” that are best not raised in the presence of the son’s beloved. Let's look at each of them in more detail.
Don't talk about appearance
No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help. Such recommendations may be perceived by her as attempts at humiliation in front of her husband. Therefore, avoid pointing out your daughter-in-law’s shortcomings in choosing makeup and stop advising diets, otherwise conflicts between you are inevitable.
“No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help.”
Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's cooking skills
Of course, every mother wants her son to eat tasty and healthy food. However, you should not make a tragedy out of the fact that your daughter-in-law does not know how to cook or is not yet sufficiently aware of her husband’s taste preferences. Culinary skill is a learned skill; the necessary skills will come with time.
Your task at this stage is to help your son’s chosen one with useful advice, but without sarcastic remarks and stupid jokes. Otherwise, you will forever turn her away from such help and sow the seeds of discord between you.
Don't teach your daughter-in-law how to raise children
Raising children is a difficult task, don’t you know it? However, remember how you yourself reacted to outside help, especially regarding issues of raising a child? Dull irritation, anger and a desire to go against advice - this is a typical reaction of a young mother to the recommendations of outsiders.
If you see that your attempts to help are perceived negatively, then it is better to leave this activity. Otherwise, the relationship with your daughter-in-law will be hopelessly damaged.
Don't bring up your son's ex-girlfriends
Another effective method for quarreling with your daughter-in-law is to regularly remember your son’s former passions in front of her. It is possible that you liked his past partners more, but is this a sufficient reason to ruin your relationship with your current chosen one?
And - finally: a reminder to the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law
It is a rare occurrence when the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is ideal. But! It is within your power to bring them closer to ideal.
Take note, daughter-in-law, and remember!
- It is in your interests to make your relationship with your mother-in-law constructive. After all, it is important for a son that his beloved finds a common language with the one who gave him life.
- Don't try to make your husband only yours. She is his mother and he loves her.
- Don’t neglect your mother-in-law, accept her and try to love her sincerely.
- Show signs of attention - congratulate her, give her a nice present, but don’t try too hard to please her.
- Don’t show your ambition, but don’t let yourself be offended, and don’t let anyone interfere in your affairs.
- If a conflict situation arises, do not involve your husband, do not turn him against his mother.
- Ask, but don’t impose your opinion.
- Don’t tell your mother anything bad about your son—you’ll immediately find an enemy in her.
- Become a good wife, make your mother-in-law useful, and your husband a like-minded person, and live separately from your mother-in-law.
Take note, mother-in-law, and remember!
- Your goal is one - to see your son happy. Then don't replace his wife. It was given to him by God. In a word, try hard...
- Don’t bend under yourself the one your son loves. She is not your daughter. She is free.
- If your boy is dear to you, back off, don’t stand in his way - build a normal relationship with his beloved.
- Don't drag your son into the conflict. It will be difficult for him to choose.
- He lives with her, is he okay? Don't say anything bad about her, don't interfere. Otherwise, he will move away from you or get divorced and become unhappy.
- Don't force your help. If they ask, help.
In general, love each other and be happy!
Whatever it is, remember that a mother-in-law is a free and required addition to your marriage, even if you didn’t ask for it. Live peacefully, be adamant and friendly, patient. Always try to put yourself in the shoes of this poor woman, because huge changes are also taking place in her life with your appearance! Good luck!
What do psychologists recommend doing?
Sometimes misunderstanding reaches its climax, and the unfortunate girl seeks help from qualified advisers. In a current family problem, where the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law, the advice of psychologists can significantly alleviate the suffering of the unfortunate woman and, together with her, develop tactics for her correct behavior with the aggressor in the person of the mother-in-law. For a family, especially a newly formed one, peace and tranquility are very important. You and your chosen one should not have a choice: you or your mother. Therefore, the task here is one - to build relationships competently and act in accordance with certain rules.
