Mother-in-law, son and daughter-in-law - relationships: psychology and reality

The eternal theme of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has become not only one of the main ones for various jokes, but has also significantly influenced attitudes towards marriage in general. If you are lucky and your mother-in-law sincerely wishes you happiness and does not consider it her sacred duty to remind you of yourself every day, you should be grateful to fate. However, this is not always the case.

I suggest you try to understand the causes of conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and also decide for yourself which path you should choose - Peace or War.

The mother-in-law is quite capable of destroying a family with some advice that she generously shares with her son out of the “kindness of her heart.” Of course, everyone knows about the “night cuckoo,” but not all women have the strength and patience to fight the “windmills” represented by their husband’s mother. What should those unfortunate persons do who have fallen into the millstone of an eternally dissatisfied mother-in-law, pitting her son against her daughter-in-law?

Is it possible to try to improve relations, given mutual grievances? Sometimes, it’s worth at least trying, so that you can then boldly retort: I did everything to normalize the relationship! First of all, we’ll deal with the main question - what your mother-in-law doesn’t like about you specifically. Or will she not have to come to court any chosen one of her son, who took the podium instead of her? To understand this, you need to understand what psychotype of female mothers-in-law your “mother” belongs to.

Why the mother-in-law doesn't love her daughter-in-law: psychology

Conflicts arise for several reasons:

most often the problem is related to “loss of power.” If the mother of a loved one is narcissistic and treats her son as an extension of her own self, and not a self-sufficient person, then a conflict with her daughter-in-law is inevitable. After all, she “steals” the child;
Controversies flare up due to the “separation of powers” (especially if two women live under the same roof). The mother-in-law, accustomed to running the house, suddenly finds herself with an incomprehensible “competitor” with “strange” ideas about how to cook, clean, look, and raise children;
the son's wife constantly criticizes any recommendations and advice from her mother-in-law;
the daughter-in-law manipulates her husband and tries to turn him against his mother;
her mother-in-law gossips and “throws mud” behind her back;
inspires children that their grandmother is an evil and bad person;
fundamentally does not accept help from her husband’s parents, even if she really needs it.

There are many other reasons of a subjective nature.

Almost all of the above reasons that provoke anger and irritation in the mother-in-law towards the daughter-in-law belong to the objective factors of hatred.

To put it simply, the son’s beloved consciously and purposefully “increases” the tension between herself and her mother-in-law in order to alienate or completely deprive her of influence on her husband. But experts are convinced that difficulties in relationships between two women can also be caused by less obvious behavioral acts such as gossip or manipulation.

Hidden factors in conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are:

Mother's jealousy towards her son's chosen one.
Biological intolerance of two subjects of the relationship.
Characterological differences.
The mother-in-law’s feeling of her own “uselessness” after her son found a replacement for her in the form of a wife.
This reason is especially acute if she raised him alone.
Inappropriate envy on the part of the mother-in-law, caused by the realization that her youth has already passed.

Whatever the true motives of the conflicts between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, if they are not resolved in time, they threaten to develop into ongoing battles for influence and defending their own views and beliefs on both sides.

Living in such an atmosphere is a constant stress not only for those directly involved in scandals, but also for their immediate circle.

Especially for a man who will be emotionally “torn” between his mother and his wife, not knowing which side to take.

Types of mothers-in-law

Many newly-made wives say this: “my mother-in-law and I lived amicably and happily until we met,” and there is a simple explanation for this. The fact is that, according to statistics, the largest number of quarrels in the family occur over the mother-in-law, although one should not minimize the guilt of the daughter-in-law. Mother-in-law and mother-in-law are different, which means you need to figure out what they are like and how to please a certain type of mother-in-law...

Owner

The mother-in-law, who belongs to the category of owner, never recognizes her son’s wife as her daughter. No matter what girl her boy chooses, she will still not be worthy of becoming his wife. Her son is perfect, and therefore deserves the right woman. Needless to say that such a woman does not exist in nature? Of course, according to the mother-in-law.

If the daughter-in-law is calm and flexible, then she is a “rag” who has her own opinion and is a “scandal.” In this case, there is no middle ground.

The owner always knows what is best for her son, so any attempts to change anything are nipped in the bud.

The newly-made wife will not be able to make friends with the owner; the mother-in-law will always perceive her as a competitor who must be defeated by any means. In this case, the son either continues to safely remain under the thumb of his mother, or becomes old enough to make his own decisions.

Forever young

You can put up with mothers-in-law who belong to this category. This woman loves herself beyond measure, she takes care of herself, dresses beautifully and stylishly and does not allow her grandchildren to call her grandmother. A self-sufficient woman simply has no time to take care of family affairs, and quarrels are not at all part of her plans. The forever young mother-in-law is glad that her children have finally grown up. She takes great pleasure in her personal life, without going into the details of the family life of her children. Such a mother-in-law knowledgeably tells her daughter-in-law about fashion trends and demonstrates new outfits.

The only thing that can throw her off balance is her daughter-in-law, who will be better than her in every sense.

A man raised by a confident woman is an excellent husband, respecting the fair sex and helping them in every possible way. Friendship with such a mother-in-law is not a problem, the main thing is to give her a lot of compliments and not touch on the topic of age.

Read more: Relationships with grandmothers. How to communicate with elderly parents

Traditionalist

This is a difficult case that requires a special approach.
Such a woman sees everything in gray and sometimes in black. She is sure that family life is impossible without quarrels and mutual claims, so she will always look for a catch in her son’s relationship. This mother-in-law is a victim of her own stereotypes and judgments that she cannot change. They say that after communicating with some people, an unpleasant aftertaste remains in your soul. One can only feel sorry for the daughter-in-law, because now she will often have bad feelings and depression after meeting her “mother.” But, if you find an approach to this woman, you can brighten up her life a little, and therefore yours. Such a mother-in-law should be given holiday packages more often; she is, as a rule, undemanding and you won’t have to spend a lot of money. The daughter-in-law must understand that you have to pay for everything in this life, including temporary peace of mind. The traditionalist is pleased when her daughter-in-law turns to her for help; she will never refuse a request and will always spend time with her beloved grandchildren.

With such a mother-in-law, relationships will only be tolerable at a distance. You should definitely thank her for her concern, gradually instilling in her that her son is already old enough and can make his own decisions.

Passionate

The enthusiastic mother-in-law is completely absorbed in her work. She has no time to manage household chores and raise her grandchildren. If a daughter-in-law lives with such a mother-in-law under the same roof, she should prepare for the fact that all household chores will fall on her shoulders. The fact that the son's wife also works does not matter.

The big advantage of an enthusiastic mother-in-law is that she is not interested in the problems of her son and his wife. The main thing is that these very problems do not spoil the life of a business woman.

A nature that is passionate above all everyday problems, she lives in her own world and is not going to unnecessarily let other people into it, even if they are her children. It is not difficult to make friends with such a mother-in-law; it is enough to be sincerely interested in her favorite activity and support all her endeavors in every possible way. In general, an enthusiastic mother-in-law is quite an interesting person, but you will see her very rarely and will not leave your children with her.

Commander

This woman knows what will be best in a given situation, even if her opinion is not asked. She is always right and there is simply no point in proving otherwise. The commander is used to being the leader in her family, so she does not accept any objections. She is convinced that the head of the family is a woman and is sincerely surprised when this is not the case.

The daughter-in-law must be prepared for moralizing, orders and accusations. Only girls who were raised in similar conditions would put up with such an overbearing relative.

Daughters-in-law who are not accustomed to obeying orders will find it very difficult to adapt to new living conditions. One can only sympathize with them, because the commander is not going to compromise. The son's wife can minimize communication and see her mother-in-law only on holidays. If the daughter-in-law lives under the same roof with such a powerful woman, then she must learn to give in or prove that she is right by arguing.

mother hen

A mother-in-law is the best option.
The woman will take care not only of her son, but also of his wife. She will pamper you with delicious dishes, will always help in raising your grandchildren, and will give practical advice. Her overprotectiveness can infuriate independent individuals who are accustomed to living by their own rules and laws. Many people quickly get used to a good attitude, which in most cases leads to dependence on the hen. You will have to listen to advice regularly, and your spouse will never learn to make important decisions on his own. The annoying care will stop only when the mother-in-law understands that the daughter-in-law listens to all advice, devotes most of her time to her son and constantly controls the situation.

Psychologist Dmitry Karpachev will tell you about the types of mothers-in-law and what type of behavior is best to apply to them.

What to do if your mother-in-law hates your daughter-in-law: advice from a psychologist

The following tips will help make your relationship with your loved one's mother less painful.

Respecting boundaries

From the very beginning, we let the mother-in-law understand that it is impossible to “invade” the personal space of the young spouses. It must dawn on the husband's mother that it is not good to visit whenever you want, or to call at the wrong time.

Also, the mother of her loved one must realize that her advice is not welcome. Young people without a “mother” will perfectly decide which kindergarten is better, where it is safe to send their child, what curtain to decorate the window with. But you shouldn’t blame your mother-in-law for giving advice. A woman must realize that her experience is valuable, but everyone has the right to step on a rake and do it their own way. Let’s thank our husband’s mother for the advice, then we’ll do as we see fit.

We will also try to be less frank with our mother-in-law if she is unfriendly. After all, a woman can use “personal” information against her daughter-in-law.

Let's try a little trick. We ask my husband's mother for advice

The spouse's mother may thaw a little and begin to treat him better if she thinks that her opinion is valuable. Therefore, let’s ask how best to cook fried chicken or treat a child with a sore throat. Let's pretend that the advice was very helpful. We will grow up in the eyes of our beloved mother.

If you have a bad relationship with your mother-in-law, using such advice from a psychologist is quite effective.

Let's learn something from men

A man, unlike a woman, tolerates interpersonal problems more easily and worries much less about what relatives think. Representatives of the stronger half of humanity understand: it is not necessary to love relatives, you just need to be able to get along. Let's try to do the same.

There is no point in “falling in love” with your spouse’s mother, we will try, just so that it does not lead to a “hot” war.

Let's figure out why the actual criticism of the spouse's mother hurts so much

Let's figure out why the mother-in-law's critical remarks are so painful, why it is so difficult to ignore them. Maybe the problem is explained by a subconscious expectation: will others approve of our actions?

It is very important to instill in ourselves: we are valuable individuals, regardless of how we dress, look, cook, or raise children. This means that criticism from the husband’s mother is unimportant and should not hurt. It is stupid to create a conflict with your mother-in-law because of unpleasant reproaches. There is no such recommendation in the advice of a psychologist.

How to communicate and get along with your mother-in-law, stop hating her: advice from a psychologist

To get along with your loved one’s mother, you should listen to the following advice from psychologists.

Let's try to understand

Psychologists recommend making an effort, trying to understand the mother of your loved one, no matter how difficult it may be. Then we will get to the bottom of the cause of the conflict and develop a realistic strategy for resolving it. Let's try to figure out what gave rise to hostility, let's evaluate the situation through the eyes of the husband's mother.

Perhaps she is a very suspicious person, terribly afraid of old age and loneliness. When a daughter-in-law appears, the mind of the husband's mother is filled with fear that soon no one will need her. The woman develops hostile feelings towards the young woman. Also, the husband’s mother may be afraid: her daughter-in-law will make her beloved son unhappy.

We assess the situation realistically

Expectations create suffering, says the ancient Buddhist wisdom. Let's listen to her and try to look at things realistically. If the husband’s mother does not help much in raising the child, believing that this is primarily the responsibility of the parents, then there is no need to be angry with her.

Yes, she poorly meets expectations, but resentment will only aggravate the situation. It will never be possible to remake an adult, fully formed person. Therefore, you need to “work with what you have.”

Resist reality, assert: “I hate my mother-in-law, and that’s all!” - unreasonable. The psychologist's advice contains a recommendation not to view life through rose-colored glasses.

Let's learn to easily tolerate criticism

It's actually not that difficult to do. You just need to master a simple visualization technique. This is self-hypnosis using the power of your own imagination. We need to take a chair or bed, get comfortable, then imagine, for example, that all the criticism addressed to us is just a small harmless stream of water in the shower. Its drops flow down the shoulders and do no harm.

In order to get along or at least not fight with the mother of our beloved husband, we will show wisdom and patience, and try to find reasonable compromises.

Reconciliation consultant, Alexander Trunov, about the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law:

We are talking about this topic with family psychologist and reconciliation consultant Alexander TRUNOV:

Why does conflict arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law?

The mother-in-law is one of the representatives of the clan, which includes the future daughter-in-law. And to maintain peace in the family, the daughter-in-law must literally enter this family, this clan, take her husband’s surname, and then the mother-in-law will be supportive. But often the daughter-in-law is not part of her husband’s family, but, on the contrary, tries to take him to her place. This is where conflicts arise between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.

It is important to understand that the mother-in-law is afraid of losing her son, and the daughter-in-law wants her husband to belong only to her. But husband and son are different subpersonalities, different components. Therefore, the daughter-in-law takes her husband and leaves her son to her mother.

In turn, the mother gives her husband to her daughter-in-law, and keeps her son for herself. When this separation is present, there is no conflict. It happens that a daughter-in-law forces her husband to make a difficult choice: “Either me or mom.”

It is not right.

After all, no matter how old he is, he will still remain a child to his parents. Therefore, a choice is often made in favor of the mother. And, even if he chooses a wife, conflicts will constantly be present in their relationship.

But why does the mother-in-law react this way to changes in the family?

Again, I repeat that this happens because the mother is afraid of losing her son. For many mothers, a son is the best man in life. After all, a woman often tries to correct or remake her husband, but she fails, but with a child she succeeds.

This creates a powerful, intimate bond between mother and son. When another woman comes and tries to take away this over-aged “baby,” then, of course, she will meet resistance from her mother-in-law.

Also, you should not miss the moment when the boy must come under the influence of his father. But more often than not, boys remain under the influence of their mother, this is especially typical for Russian families.

Why are there families where people maintain good relations with the parents of the husband and wife, and there are families in which conflicts almost never subside?

There is a hierarchy in the extended family system. Everyone who enters it has their place: children, parents, grandmothers - they all take their place. If the lower hierarchy does not claim the place of the higher one, then there is no conflict.

It occurs where there is disrespect and disruption, for example, if a daughter-in-law tells her husband: “I am better than your mother.” For a conflict to arise, such a phrase will be enough.

The next important point: it is good when children ask their parents for blessings before getting married. This request is a sign of respect for parents. I think that then relations will develop more peacefully.

What influences a woman’s qualities as a mother-in-law?

A woman's qualities as a mother-in-law are influenced by how she or her mother got along with their in-laws. She will behave in the same way as she or her mother behaved with her mother-in-law: she unconsciously, automatically switches on behavioral mechanisms that she has long forgotten about.

If a daughter-in-law comes to her husband’s house, then the hostility between her and her mother-in-law often begins with the fact that they are psychologically cramped in the same kitchen. How to minimize nerve-wracking kitchen battles?

Young people need to live separately.

But if you still cannot avoid living together with your parents, then you need to try to do your things in turn. You can also introduce a role-based distribution of responsibilities: who will do what.

Causes of conflict between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.

It’s rare that a mother-in-law approves of her son’s decision in choosing a life partner. And the reason for this is female jealousy, which occurs on an unconscious level. A woman who raised her son and considers him her support simply cannot come to terms with the fact that she is no longer the main one in his life. Now he devotes much less time to her, rarely calls, and comes even less often. Now she doesn’t need to cook him lunch, iron his shirts or give him practical advice. From now on, another woman will do all this. It’s hard to believe, but a mother-in-law set up in this way will subconsciously do everything to destroy her son’s marriage. And then, having achieved her goal, she will offer her boy options for girls suitable in her opinion, who are the daughters of friends, neighbors or work colleagues. They, it seems to her, will obey her in everything and not claim the main role in her son’s life. Although there is no guarantee that everything will be like this.

The young daughter-in-law sees this situation in her own way. Surprisingly, the state of “second role” and the need to give up the main role to someone comes from childhood. After all, we often receive something that we do not accept. And if in childhood we are accustomed to the fact that someone controls us and forces us to obey, then sooner or later we will return to this in adulthood. For some, this situation will arise with an authoritarian husband, for others with a mother-in-law. And there are actually two reasons for this:

You yourself subconsciously chose as your life partner a man for whom you will never come first;
This situation is not only acceptable and understandable to you, but also quite beneficial for you.

The fact is that you cannot share one man with an older woman who is not the object of his passion, so this situation can be survived. Many young wives agree that their husband rushes between her and his mother, thereby getting himself a mistress who will also be young, beautiful and sexy. After all, if it is still possible to somehow come to an agreement with the mother-in-law, the husband’s new passion can take him away from the family forever.

The conflict between mother and wife forces a man to rush between two fires. And while there is discord in the family, the last thing he wants is to look for love pleasures on the side, which suits his wife quite well. It turns out that she continues to “add fuel to the fire” by supporting a sluggish war with her mother-in-law only in order to protect herself from possible betrayals. And without noticing it, she forces her husband’s mother to actively participate in the life of the young family.

Relationship with daughter-in-law: what not to talk about

If you decide to become a “second mother” for your daughter-in-law, then you need to start with the correct construction of interpersonal communication. It is constructive dialogue that is the first step in the formation of adequate relationships between people.

Therefore, psychologists have identified a number of “forbidden topics” that are best not raised in the presence of the son’s beloved. Let's look at each of them in more detail.

Don't talk about appearance

No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help. Such recommendations may be perceived by her as attempts at humiliation in front of her husband. Therefore, avoid pointing out your daughter-in-law’s shortcomings in choosing makeup and stop advising diets, otherwise conflicts between you are inevitable.

“No woman will be pleased with criticism of her appearance, even disguised as a sincere desire for help.”

Don't criticize your daughter-in-law's cooking skills

Of course, every mother wants her son to eat tasty and healthy food. However, you should not make a tragedy out of the fact that your daughter-in-law does not know how to cook or is not yet sufficiently aware of her husband’s taste preferences. Culinary skill is a learned skill; the necessary skills will come with time.

Your task at this stage is to help your son’s chosen one with useful advice, but without sarcastic remarks and stupid jokes. Otherwise, you will forever turn her away from such help and sow the seeds of discord between you.

Don't teach your daughter-in-law how to raise children

Raising children is a difficult task, don’t you know it? However, remember how you yourself reacted to outside help, especially regarding issues of raising a child? Dull irritation, anger and a desire to go against advice - this is a typical reaction of a young mother to the recommendations of outsiders.

If you see that your attempts to help are perceived negatively, then it is better to leave this activity. Otherwise, the relationship with your daughter-in-law will be hopelessly damaged.

Don't bring up your son's ex-girlfriends

Another effective method for quarreling with your daughter-in-law is to regularly remember your son’s former passions in front of her. It is possible that you liked his past partners more, but is this a sufficient reason to ruin your relationship with your current chosen one?

What to do in such a situation?

In this case, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law should be minimized on the part of the latter. Ideally, go to live in another city or even country, since living in free access to your son’s family will allow his mother to poison their relationship until the breakup. It should be remembered that a young woman has a hidden “weapon” in the fight against her mother-in-law - her sexuality. Being interesting to her husband and constantly desired will allow the latter to turn a blind eye to all the mortal sins that the mother attributes to his object of love.

How should a daughter-in-law behave with her mother-in-law, who, like a harpy, is trying to return her chick to the nest, without even thinking that the son has long grown up and has his own life? The best way to deprive the “enemy” of an advantage is to smile and agree:

Dust under the bed? Yes, my fault, thanks for noticing, I'll remove it.
Is the roast burnt? Smile and compliment: unfortunately, I still don’t know how to cook as tasty as you.

If you continue this tactic of behavior for a long enough time, then the mother-in-law’s attitude towards her daughter-in-law is unlikely to improve, but she will have nothing to cover up with. Especially if the son sees that his wife smiles sweetly at her mother and thanks her for her help.

And - finally: a reminder to the daughter-in-law and mother-in-law

It is a rare occurrence when the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is ideal. But! It is within your power to bring them closer to ideal.

Take note, daughter-in-law, and remember!

It is in your interests to make your relationship with your mother-in-law constructive. After all, it is important for a son that his beloved finds a common language with the one who gave him life.
Don't try to make your husband only yours. She is his mother and he loves her.
Don’t neglect your mother-in-law, accept her and try to love her sincerely.
Show signs of attention - congratulate her, give her a nice present, but don’t try too hard to please her.
Don’t show your ambition, but don’t let yourself be offended, and don’t let anyone interfere in your affairs.
If a conflict situation arises, do not involve your husband, do not turn him against his mother.
Ask, but don’t impose your opinion.
Don’t tell your mother anything bad about your son—you’ll immediately find an enemy in her.
Become a good wife, make your mother-in-law useful, and your husband a like-minded person, and live separately from your mother-in-law.

Take note, mother-in-law, and remember!

Your goal is one - to see your son happy. Then don't replace his wife. It was given to him by God. In a word, try hard...
Don’t bend under yourself the one your son loves. She is not your daughter. She is free.
If your boy is dear to you, back off, don’t stand in his way - build a normal relationship with his beloved.
Don't drag your son into the conflict. It will be difficult for him to choose.
He lives with her, is he okay? Don't say anything bad about her, don't interfere. Otherwise, he will move away from you or get divorced and become unhappy.
Don't force your help. If they ask, help.

In general, love each other and be happy!

Whatever it is, remember that a mother-in-law is a free and required addition to your marriage, even if you didn’t ask for it. Live peacefully, be adamant and friendly, patient. Always try to put yourself in the shoes of this poor woman, because huge changes are also taking place in her life with your appearance! Good luck!

Mom is right, even if she's wrong

How to understand the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law if the first has an authoritarian character that does not tolerate objections and refusals, and the second is a match for her. This combination means being on the front line all your life on the line of fire. In this case, “volleys” will be heard from both fronts. If a guy grew up in an environment where his mother decided everything (who to be friends with, how to dress, get a haircut, etc.), and he could not resist her even during the period of “hormonal surges,” then, most likely, he will find himself the same a wife who will take care of all family and household issues.

In such a situation, he will most likely become a victim, finding himself between two fires. In the event that a man is still emotionally connected to his mother, and her word is law for him, the daughter-in-law only has:

humble yourself and submit to your mother-in-law, yielding to her in everything (in this case, a long truce is even possible);
wage a guerrilla war without entering into open confrontation, but gradually winning the husband over to your side;
show open hostility with all the consequences.

People say about such situations in the family, “I found a scythe on a stone.” In psychology, such relationships between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law are called dead-end, since without compromise and maintaining distance in communication between both parties, it is impossible to save the family. A man will have to choose who to stay with: his mother or his wife. Or take responsibility and forbid both of them to argue and do nasty things to each other, at least in his presence.