The girl is taken from her home and she no longer belongs to her parents.
The bride's parents cannot be present at the wedding celebration. According to Chechen laws, only relatives from the groom’s side have the right to attend a wedding (it turns out that if there are no sons in the family, then the family will not be able to attend any of the child’s weddings). For the bride's family, the celebration begins and ends the moment the groom and his family arrive at their home and pick up his bride.
Despite this tradition, which seems very strange and incomprehensible to Russians, the parents of a newly-made wife can still come to the house where her new family now lives. However, their first visit can only take place a month after the wedding, and also at a pre-agreed time. They can come to their home with gifts presented for the new family and congratulate the newlyweds on their marriage.
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Chechen wedding banquet
During the festive feast, congratulations are heard to the parents of the newlywed with wishes for many grandchildren and all the best. Anyone can come to the Chechen celebration, because there are no invitations.
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Guests come with gifts, women with the necessary bedding and dishes, and men traditionally give money. It is at the wedding that the bride has the opportunity to meet her husband’s family.
The dancing is interesting. All dancers are divided into two separate semicircles of men and women. The role of toastmaster is performed by the man on the groom's side. He dances in the center of the dance floor. Lively music plays and everyone performs fiery dances.
Meanwhile, the young wife is standing in the corner of the room. She is supposed to behave quietly and modestly, not raise her eyes and not talk to anyone. She can’t sit down - it will be disrespectful to elders. Women can come up to her and look under the wedding veil.
Soon the mother-in-law removes the veil from the bride’s face. The newlywed's best friend sits next to her until the end of the holiday and eats. Then she is given a gift and taken home.
The ritual, the essence of which is to get the bride to talk, looks unusual. It consists in the fact that during a wedding, men come up and ask the bride to give him water. The bride should not immediately, but say “enjoy your drink,” and the men owe her some money for this, and whoever doesn’t give it, she may never speak again. The wedding event lasts three whole days.
Everywhere accompanied by my husband
After a girl becomes a wife, her husband tries to accompany her everywhere. In fact, he even goes with her to the closing session and to study (even the fact that the university is sometimes located in another city is not scary).
Many Russian women do not understand such control, but men are convinced that as soon as they get married, they are obliged to bear responsibility for their woman, to protect her from possible dangers and other men who could offend her. It is worth noting that even if he has his own affairs, they are immediately abandoned.
In general, after the wedding, a woman becomes under the guardianship of not only her husband, but also his entire family - relatives (especially men) must take care of the woman and protect her in every way.
Features of family life
Chechnya is a Muslim republic, so the family code is almost entirely regulated by religious dogma. This does not mean at all that women here are obliged to wear a burqa, covering their faces, while men have all the rights and freedoms. However, representatives of the fair sex are required to be modest and obedient, to obey the will of their husband, and before marriage, their father or older brother (if he is the head of the family). A man must be a good, correct Muslim - that is, he must observe all the customs and traditions of his religion.
If we talk about family roles, then in Chechnya the husband is the protector and breadwinner, the wife is the housewife and mother. And there can be no transitional statuses. Children are raised in the same spirit. From an early age, boys are raised as devout Muslims, instilling in them how a real Chechen, a citizen of his country, should behave. He must be the son of his people. From childhood, girls are taught to think that they are future mothers.
In Chechnya, marriages with foreigners are extremely negative. Such unions are not directly discouraged, but they are not approved either. It is believed that real alliances can only be concluded between “friends”. And marriages with strangers are an interrupted race, which is a sin. Parents can even curse their unfaithful sons and daughters who enter into such a relationship.
You can't meddle in your husband's business
Even after becoming a wife, a Chechen woman never delves into her husband’s affairs - some of them even have no idea what their man does, much less how much he earns. True, this does not apply to all families, but, as practice shows, women definitely do not give advice on business to their men.
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What will happen to a Chechen girl who marries a non-Chen?
Here they say that she will be severely punished, they may even kill her.
But I will disappoint you!
Firstly, Chechen women are never killed for dating non-Chens. The Chechen woman is too great a treasure for her kind! The biggest punishment: her parents will forbid her to communicate with this guy again, perhaps lock her at home, find her a Chechen husband.
Since ancient times, Chechen girls, famous for their beauty, were considered the main wealth of the people. In conditions when the small Caucasian nation was fighting for its survival on the edge of the mountains, it was very important for the Vainakhs that the girls were “preserved” within the community, did not marry foreigners and did not leave for foreign lands. Therefore, according to adats, marriages with other nations were allowed only if the guy of another nation agreed to remain living among the Chechens.
But now there are Chechen women who married non-Chechen men without any problems and now live peacefully and happily. Of course, the chosen one of a Vainakh girl must be a Muslim. This happens especially often in Europe.
Real Chechen parents will never allow their daughter to marry a non-Muslim. Otherwise, yes, the girl's parents will disown them and her family will cut ties with her.
Take, for example, the Chechen blogger Malika Simak, who is quite popular in the Netherlands. She is married to Turkish football player Mustafa Simak. The couple has two beautiful sons.
There is also a popular Chechen Instagram guru from Norway, Milana Yasaeva. She lives happily married to an Iraqi Arab.
I also personally know a Chechen woman in Germany who married a Moroccan man who is still alive and well. They live great! Marriages between Chechen women and Circassian and Dagestan men in the Caucasus were also not uncommon until recently.
And if we consider the Ingush to be representatives of another nationality, then even now you can find marriages of Chechen women with them. Although the Ingush are one of their own for the Chechens, they are not considered people of another nation.
In any case, interethnic weddings are still frowned upon in Chechnya. And most Chechen parents will be against their daughter’s marriage to a non-Chechen. But this does not change the fact that this does not happen.
But if we talk about a Chechen woman and a Christian Russian guy, then marriage according to Vainakh laws is categorically impossible. Chechen society is very patriarchal; here it is believed that a child automatically becomes what his father is. When a baby is born from a Russian mother in a mixed family, he must accept the father’s religion and be raised according to Chechen rules.
This is actually why Chechen guys are allowed to marry Russian girls - provided that their children grow up Muslim and Chechen. But believe me, most Chechen parents are not too happy about their sons marrying Russian girls. They, too, can force their son to refuse to marry his Slavic chosen one and find a mate for the young man “among his own.”
Humility and politeness
A Chechen wife must be humble and submissive. She should get up with the sunrise (or better yet, before it) and do something around the house, preferably with a happy face.
Practice shows that in many Chechen families all relatives (they, as a rule, live not only with the husband’s parents, but also with his brothers, sisters, uncles, etc.) first look at the new family member. During this period, they especially often point out her shortcomings - in order to have the status of a good wife, a woman must, as they say, take everything into account and agree with everything said, in no case contradicting her elders, and especially the men living in the house. In more modern Chechen families, a good girl can be considered not only for her thriftiness, but for her open heart, responsiveness, decent education and sense of humor.
Married to a Chechen. Tips for creating a Russian-Chechen family
For those who have serious intentions of starting a family with a Chechen, our article will help them make a truly informed and thoughtful decision and understand the possible difficulties of this marriage.
You need to be willing to make compromises, to accept differences in lifestyle and ideas about the distribution of family roles that will inevitably arise due to differences in culture and upbringing.
Firstly, you shouldn’t put everyone “with the same brush”. From the very beginning, you need to understand that in absolutely every culture there are good guys and bad guys. Getting to know the family of your chosen one, talking about his childhood, his attitude towards women, towards his mother, towards children even before marriage will help you construct a clearer picture of your future relationships. At least you won’t create illusions, be enchanted, and then be disappointed when family life turns out to be not what you imagined it to be.
The main guarantee of a successful marriage with a Chechen, or with any foreigner, is a readiness for serious internal changes. Any single family cannot do without conflicts and contradictions, clashes of opinions and interests. And in a marriage between representatives of different cultures, it is necessary to show special tolerance and respect for other people’s values, since here there is a clash of not only individual, but also intercultural differences.
You shouldn’t close your eyes to them, but you shouldn’t be afraid of them either. Overcoming them together is an opportunity to get to know and understand your chosen one better.
It is also necessary “on the shore” to agree on the distribution of rights and responsibilities in the family, accept each other’s differences, learn to apologize and forgive, be flexible and look for a way out when faced with difficulties. It is important to see not only your differences, but also what you have in common: in your views, interests, character.
Research on conflict in intercultural marriages has shown the main causes of disagreement:
- inconsistency of views on love and its manifestations, - disagreements in housekeeping and budgeting, - differences in ideas about raising children, - differences in understanding of women's and men's roles in the family, etc.
To avoid such conflicts in your relationship, the site intdate.ru recommends that you familiarize yourself with the history, culture and traditional qualities of the Chechen people in advance.
The latter include hospitality, devotion to the homeland and clan, honesty, courage, respect for elders, ardor and emotionality, pride and responsibility for one’s clan.
Hospitality is in the blood of a true Chechen. You will need to become a warm and hospitable hostess if you do not want to alienate, offend and disappoint your spouse. “Where a guest does not look, no good will look,” this proverb expresses the attitude of the Chechen people towards guests. The Chechen family is always ready for the arrival of guests. The guest is offered the best that is available in the house and is given special attention. Insulting a guest is the same as insulting the host.
A true Chechen (nokhcho) is a knight, a gentleman, a generous, reliable friend and a courageous defender. Another important psychological feature of the Chechens is the awareness of the legitimacy of the most cruel retribution for the insulted honor and dignity of themselves and their relatives (blood feud). Not to take revenge means bringing shame on your entire family. And, as we have already said, a sense of responsibility for one’s family consciously dominates the blood of a Chechen.
Chechen family customs and characteristics
The head of the family, of course, has always been and will be the father. He enjoys unquestioned authority and respect. After the death of the father, the eldest son becomes the head of the family. Although he can no longer resolve important family issues without the consent of his younger brothers.
The mother always leads in economic matters. Moreover, for a man to interfere in “women’s” affairs is considered impermissible and even offensive. Daughters-in-law, especially the youngest, must show full respect and deference to their mother. Many women have always lived in traditional Chechen families, but there have never been quarrels between them, since a woman who violated the rules and traditions in the family was expelled with great shame.
Daughters-in-law should call their mother-in-law nothing other than “nana” (mother). It is not allowed to appear in her presence untidy, without a headscarf, to allow free conversations, frivolous jokes, etc. Nana is responsible for the behavior, upbringing and actions of daughters-in-law and daughters. Nana takes an active role in raising children, is the keeper of the sacred family fire, family rituals and traditions, and it is also she who gives a name to each child born in the family and no one can protest or give a different name to the child.
Wedding ceremony
The main purpose of marriage is procreation, so there are many magical rituals that should affect the birth of healthy offspring. So, for example, when a daughter-in-law enters her husband’s house, a child, a boy, is placed in her arms.
Weddings take place in autumn and winter. It is completely unacceptable to get married in April. It is the month of the cuckoo, and the cuckoo abandons its chicks and has no nest. Traditionally, marriages between Muslims and people of other faiths are not approved. But if a Chechen girl is completely forbidden to marry a man of a different faith, then it is permissible for a Chechen to marry, for example, a Russian girl. The main thing when choosing a future wife is her reputation and good character.
A wedding consists of matchmaking, the wedding itself and post-wedding rituals. Each stage is a whole set of rituals that contribute to a prosperous family life. We will not be able to consider them all here; we will focus only on the most significant:
- during matchmaking, they decide the size of the bride price that the groom's family must pay for the bride, - questions about holding the wedding are decided by the parents and the closest adults of the groom, - the entire course of the ceremony is calculated minute by minute, the place and time of dancing, places for sitting of girls and boys are determined, the number of guests, the performers of all actions, all the little things and details are thought out - at a Chechen wedding there are always many guests (there can be a hundred or a thousand of them), - the bride in a luxurious dress is met by her mother-in-law, puts sweets in her mouth and showers her from head to feet with candy, - a wedding is always full of dancing, songs, music and colorful rituals, - shooting at a wedding is designed to ward off evil spirits from the newlyweds, - at a Chechen wedding there are no inappropriate speeches or drunk people, - all guests are smartly dressed and behave appropriately, treat this bright day with special respect.
These are, in general, the main features of a traditional ritual Chechen wedding, watch them in the videos below:
Peculiarities of attitude towards women
A woman in traditional Chechen culture is a housewife. Her main responsibilities are raising children, cooking, and receiving guests. Traditionally, girls in the family do not study at colleges or universities.
Chechen women enjoy much greater freedom than their other Caucasian neighbors. In particular, girls and even married women are not required to hide or cover their faces in the presence of men.
Chechens have always been distinguished by restraint and special respect in relations with women. Marriages were based on mutual respect. Beating a woman was considered a great shame. Never in his life, for anything in the world, will a Chechen, who respects the traditions of his people, hit a woman, child, old man or teenager.
Moreover, in the presence of a woman, men did not even have the right to fight among themselves or inflict any offense on each other. No revenge, murder or punishment could take place in front of a woman. A woman could stop any bloodshed just by throwing off the scarf from her head, and a blood enemy could find salvation and remain unharmed by hiding in the women's half of the house.
In case of adultery, the husband expelled his wife from home, announced the reason for the divorce to her parents and demanded the return of the bride price. Among other mountaineers, a husband could even kill his wife for treason.
Peculiarities of raising children among Chechens
A child is taught rules and traditions from an early age. Learning takes place in the form of personal examples. No one reads any lectures to children. The child can be publicly condemned or approved, making sure that he understands what he can be punished for and what he can be praised for. The Chechen guy is brought up in the spirit of “so that the family will not be ashamed of him.” And, believe me, these are not empty words.
The mother or the eldest woman in the house, Nana, is directly involved in raising the girl. Girls are taught to work, diligence, and diligence. And the best teacher is your own example. Like other peoples of the Caucasus, Chechens judge a mother by her daughter, and a daughter by her mother. If relatives or neighbors noticed shortcomings in the girl’s upbringing, they said that the mother was no teacher, and the girl was a useless housewife. If the girl was hardworking and neat, and acquired an excellent reputation with age, then her mother was praised.
Raising children is a matter of very deep importance among the Chechen people. It is believed that the future of parents depends on how their children grow up.
Tips for creating an international Russian-Chechen family
- be interested in, know and respect the traditions of the people of your chosen one, - when communicating with the parents of your beloved, wear modest, closed clothes (sweater, skirt below the knees), put your hair in a pigtail, light makeup is acceptable, in no case allow vulgarity in appearance , - in front of the groom’s parents and relatives, do not hug him, do not hold his hand or kiss him, - behave modestly, help the groom’s mother, for example, set the table. Show that you are a good housewife, this will increase the chances of fitting into their family - in marriage, be flexible and obedient, patient and wise, hard-working and caring, calm and reserved, keep the house clean, provide a warm welcome to guests - respect and consider always the main and right of your spouse.
In our article we tried to introduce you to the basic ways of life, customs, and relations of the Chechen people. We hope that this information will help girls who have decided to connect their lives with a Chechen in creating a happy intercultural family that will successfully combine Chechen and Russian traditions; we hope that with this knowledge it will be easier for you to get used to each other and establish your own life international way of life.
By following these recommendations, you will be able to destroy negative stereotypes about Chechen men and prove by your example that intercultural happy marriages are not only possible, but also completely depend on the desires of two young people who love each other, who are ready to change, adapt and create their own temple of love based on mutual respect and respect.
An example of the relationship between a Russian and a Chechen can be the story of Veronica, which she sent to our website:
I want to share my story with the readers of intdate.ru.
I am Russian, my boyfriend is Chechen. We've been with him for a total of three years now. I'm a virgin and proud of it. This spring we will have a wedding. I am eternally grateful to God for sending me such a person as my Hasan. He is the most loving, sincere, gentle, reliable. Next to him I feel like I’m behind a stone wall; with him I don’t need anything!
My parents love him very much, and he loves me. His mother became like family to me, she taught me how to cook, she will always listen to me and warm me up. His father calls me “daughter.”
His parents, of course, want me to accept Islam and Muslim traditions, but they do not insist on this, leaving me the right to decide for myself. Hassan himself says that the one who changed his religion betrayed his mother, so he has nothing against if I remain a Christian. Because he loves me, worships me, there are no others for him except me. And I also love him so much that if I pass by thousands of the best, I won’t even look back! He and I will have the most beautiful children, because children conceived in love are always very beautiful.
And I would like to say one thing to all the girls: be more modest and do not waste your time on trifles. Don’t think that it’s better to be with someone, just not alone. One is better, really. Wait for real love and don't let a million fakes blind you. Your Veronica.
Veronica, thank you very much for your letter! The editors of the site sincerely wish you to build a strong family and carry your bright feelings throughout your life, and of course, give birth to and raise wonderful, smart and beautiful children. Don’t forget that a lot in this marriage depends on you. And good luck to you!
Read other examples of happy marriages with Chechens here:
An example of a happy life with a Chechen (DogaV story)
About the life of a Chechen family. My experience of living with a Chechen
Natalia, especially for intdate.ru.
About children's rights
Who in a Chechen family has the right to children? This question worries many Russians.
In fact, in Chechen families, the predominant right to raise children remains with the man, but, as practice shows, it is always possible to reach an agreement. If a divorce occurs (for Chechens this is a very rare occurrence, since the destruction of a family is considered a shame, first of all, for a woman), then the mother of the children has the right to go to court or to the elders (their decision is considered more significant). But as practice shows, if the father is against the children living with their mother, it will be very, very difficult for the woman to get her way, since employees of all levels, as a rule, stand on the side of the man.
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Pros of choosing a Chechen husband
What will a Russian girl get when she marries a Chechen?
- A loving, strong, strong husband who will never, under any circumstances, offend either his spouse or his children. Chechens are always raised to be warriors and cultivate the deepest respect for their family. To parents, to children, to wife.
- Great relatives, who will also never, under any circumstances, give offense. Relatives in which you can literally dissolve and realize yourself as part of a huge single whole - the Chechen family, part of the Chechen people.
- A secure future for your children. You can be sure that children will have every chance to grow up to be healthy, athletic young adults who will have a good life. Chechen mutual assistance is limitless, both in the Chechen Republic and in Russia. Today, more than 20 thousand Chechens live in Moscow, among whom there are many who are always ready to help with good, well-paid jobs.
In conclusion, I am proud of my choice of husband. And I wish all Russian girls to find no less happiness.
The material was prepared by Adelina Zavgaeva (before her marriage, Anna Sidorova), 24 years old, Chechen Republic, Grozny.
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