There is a problem!
Inviting only those guests you want to see at your wedding, without offending those “left behind,” is one of the most controversial and difficult planning tasks.
On the one hand, this is your holiday, where your wishes come first, but on the other hand, you don’t want to offend anyone with your decision. But let's not be dramatic: we all have to say no at some point. And it’s more logical to say no to someone before the wedding than to regret later at the holiday itself that you invited people who weren’t close to you. How to do this is discussed below. The list of unwanted guests may include:
- - colleagues from work, boss
- - a distant relative whom you have never seen or only seen once
- - parents' friends, but not your friends
- - ex-lovers
- - classmates/classmates
- - new husbands and wives of your parents
- - your friends' lovers
- - a person with uncontrollable behavior after a certain dose of alcohol (rowdy)
- - Small children
My best friend didn't invite me to the wedding
I have a best friend, Marina, we’ve known each other for about 10 years! I have no one closer to her! We met a long time ago, when I went home to work by train, and she went to a hairdressing course, so we started talking on the train and after that we became friends! BEFORE her, I didn’t have any close friends…..I let a person into my soul, helped him in everything, and then this person simply didn’t care about my soul. But our friendship was special, we couldn’t live without each other, we constantly called each other, kept secrets. At that time I had a young man, and she had no one... She was very beautiful, but for some reason she had no luck with guys, she was registered on a dating site, and constantly went to different meetings, but half a year passed and why did the guys then they ran away from her, she cried, she was worried, I constantly went to see her and consoled her as best I could, helped her escape from dark thoughts! Soon my boyfriend proposed to me, I was in seventh heaven, I immediately told my friend everything, she was delighted and we began to prepare a script for my wedding! And now there are literally a couple of days left before my wedding, Marina calls me and says that she will not come to the celebration, I was simply out of my mind, why, what happened, to which she replied that she simply did not want to come and dropped the call..... to say what I was upset, that's an understatement! I cried all evening and tried to reach her, to which I received an SMS: “Don’t wait for me, I won’t come.” No matter how hard I tried to talk to her, I never got an answer. Then I found out through the girls. that she turns out to be just jealous of me(((that I have a boyfriend and there was a wedding. but she has nothing(
After that story, we didn’t communicate for a year. I really missed her, I was sad, I cried…….until I found out that I was pregnant and my husband and I would have a baby. I was in seventh heaven! The pregnancy was going well, and now I gave birth to my baby! This is just a miracle! That same morning an SMS comes from her, she congratulates me on my daughter. I was surprised that she wrote to me, but I replied that thank you and did not expect to receive her SMS, an SMS came in response that she missed me... I shed a tear, I was so touched by her words, because all this time, she still remained my best friend! A little later we decided to meet with her, talked about everything in the world, cried together... we made peace again! Later, when my daughter grew up, I decided to get in shape after giving birth, and my friend, husband and I started going to the gym, and my husband’s friend was there, who fell in love with my friend a little later. He was 4 years younger than her, but that didn’t stop him from looking after her beautifully! I told Marina that he fell in love with you. to which she laughed it off and said that she needed an older guy! But still, he took his course and they began to meet, the friend again became kinder and more flexible. Bloomed like a spring rose. I was very happy for her..later they began to plan children, but nothing worked out for them, there were 2 miscarriages, then a nervous breakdown, I was with her all this time and helped and consoled her as best I could. But God was merciful and gave them a wonderful baby... she became pregnant again! and her husband proposed marriage to her! my friend was simply flying with happiness and I rejoiced with her! We started choosing a dress and accessories for her. began to choose a restaurant and do everything together to help organize her wedding! and now all the invitations have been sent out, but I haven’t…..and for some reason my friend was silent about the invitation……well, I think we’re still doing everything together, she’ll probably send it one of these days, but I never received an invitation from her…..I was confused… .we didn’t seem to quarrel, and communicated the same way as always... but she didn’t consider inviting me to her wedding so that I would be happy for her (She invited friends with whom she hardly communicates, but as I understood, there was an empty place for her.... to me It’s offensive to the point of tears..Then I asked why she did this to me, to which she replied that there was no money to invite everyone and so that I wouldn’t be offended…..but it seems to me that the reason is for some reason something else, but I can’t understand what…. .maybe you can help me figure this out...Thank you in advance for your time.
There is a solution!
Solutions to this problem are more of a diplomatic nature with the use of some tricks. First of all, take it for granted that the proposed solutions may not be suitable for everyone, since we are dealing with the human factor, relationships and other people's emotions/character, which are naturally beyond our control.
Inner circle rule
To make it easier for you to justify your choice, ask yourself the following questions:
- › How well/how long have I known this person?
- › Do we see each other often/are we in regular contact?
- › Is he well aware of my personal life, do I share with him?
- › Does being connected to this person matter to me?
- › Will I face unpleasant consequences by not inviting him?
If your answer to most questions is “no,” then don’t worry and cross this person off your guest list. And we’ll talk about how to do this tactfully below.
Vow of silence
The easiest and most effective way to avoid awkward questions is to avoid talking about your wedding celebration for as long as possible. And this applies to mentions not only in personal conversations, but also on social networks. Discuss this issue with each other, with your parents and those whom you definitely invite. Emphasize how important this is to you and that you will decide whether this event is worth sharing with others.
This option is suitable for a circle of good acquaintances (not friends), colleagues, and superiors. If there is a person in this circle whom you included on the guest list, then you should tell him about this in a private setting and ask him to keep it secret.
Inner Circle
You may be caught off guard by asking a direct question: “Will you invite me?” In response, tell them that you plan to celebrate this event in a narrow family circle. Even if the question was a bit of a joke, your argument will be absolutely transparent and not offensive. And in most cases honest.
However, if in fact you are planning a large-scale celebration, then you should not publish photos with a large number of guests in the public domain after it.
Budget
The argument for a limited budget will be especially relevant when discussing the list of invited relatives. The proposal to invite all relatives most often comes from parents. If you bear all the costs of the wedding yourself, then you have the right to refuse to invite people with whom you do not communicate and do not maintain any connections.
Use logical and rational reasons. For example, that you cannot increase the budget due to a larger number of guests, since you will then have to cut costs on the dress/host/musicians (give as an example the most significant factor for your parents). As an alternative, suggest celebrating the event separately and inviting family on any other date.
Separate holiday
This option can be especially effective for a circle of work colleagues. Let them know directly that you are planning a wedding and that you want to share this joy with your colleagues. You can present the cake, organize a small buffet, or share some details of the preparation process. By doing this, you will indicate your good attitude towards your colleagues, but at the same time make it clear that you separate your work relationships from your personal life.
In case of awkward and direct questions, you already know how to refuse tactfully.
After the fact
- • Talking about your wedding when it has already passed is the logical conclusion of the first “Vow of Silence” method. Some people will be sincerely happy for you, some people will wonder why you didn’t tell them earlier. Perhaps there will be those (relatives, good friends) who will be offended by your secrecy, and someone will openly express their resentment for not being invited.
- • Since this is already a past event, your arguments can be absolutely anything, maybe even not entirely real. Do not give in to the desire to apologize and justify yourself, because you have not done anything wrong, and admitting yourself guilty will only confirm the person’s right to be offended, and then nothing you say will convince him.
- • Explain that you had your own reasons for hiding information about the wedding (many problems with the organization, contractors, the wedding was on the verge of failure, they didn’t want to “jinx it,” etc.). Tell us that the list of guests was greatly reduced due to the budget, banquet hall, and that you wanted an intimate wedding in a narrow family circle. In most cases, this is true.
- • Take the conversation in a different direction, for example, talk about funny moments, about the host or photographer of your wedding.
How to explain to a person why he is not invited to a wedding: 3 options for all occasions
One of the most difficult parts of planning a wedding is creating the guest list. Unfortunately, you are unlikely to be able to invite absolutely all your relatives and friends, and you will have to see some of them on the eve of the wedding. We know how to answer the silent question in their eyes.
When it comes to a wedding, many friends, relatives and colleagues (even those with whom you have not interacted closely) will certainly want to be a part of your celebration and will be offended if you do not invite them. If you don't want someone to be offended, but you just can't invite them, there is a universal argument that no one can argue against. Gently and kindly tell the person that you would really like to share the emotions of this day with him and generally invite everyone with whom you communicate, but your budget (or hall), unfortunately, does not allow this. Here's how it works for different people.
A friend you haven't talked to in a while
Most likely, this person is well aware that you have long since lost touch, but he may want to contact you to receive an invitation to the wedding. As soon as you announce your engagement, your friend will congratulate you (maybe even very sincerely and from the bottom of his heart) and thus put you in an awkward position.
Let them know that you are very happy about the renewed communication, ask questions about your friend’s life, ask what happened to him over all these years. If a friend directly asks a question about the wedding, tell them that you have limited space and are forced to invite only relatives. And so that the person is not offended, make it clear that you still want to celebrate this event with him, but in a different format. For example, invite him to visit you or visit him in another city while traveling with your husband.
Boss or colleague
Obviously, you will have to communicate frequently with your bosses and colleagues as you prepare for your wedding. Perhaps some of them will be actively interested and ask you questions about the organization, and this is absolutely normal. But as your wedding date gets closer, they may start hinting that they want to be there as well. If you're not close with your co-workers, or just can't invite everyone you interact with, don't worry: you don't have to invite someone from work to your wedding. Also, just because you've invited one or two colleagues doesn't mean you have to invite everyone.
Answer that, unfortunately, you will not be able to organize such a large-scale wedding as you would like, but you will be happy to celebrate your new status with your colleagues after another working day.
A relative with whom you are not close
This situation is more complicated because it concerns family. And although you may not be very close to your relative, he may be a significant person to your parents or other loved ones. In this case, it is better to explain with your parents (or with someone with whom you think you may have problems if you do not invite this relative). And don’t forget to take into account the fact who pays for the wedding: if these are parents, they definitely have the right to invite several relatives they consider necessary.
Discuss this point with your parents in a comfortable environment, such as a family dinner, and explain your point of view. What is the main problem? Don't you like this relative as a person? You have never seen him and therefore do not understand why he should attend your wedding at all? Are you worried that all your second and fourth cousins will then also want to come to your celebration, and the number of guests will exceed 500? Of course, parents should not be told that the problem is a limited budget or the small size of the site - they will guess that this is not the case. But you can easily give such arguments to your relative if he suddenly asks you directly. Although, of course, it is better to ask his parents (or those relatives who are close to him) to talk and explain everything. If the conversation ends peacefully, plan a joint trip with your husband to visit distant relatives - this way you will demonstrate your good attitude, give your relatives the necessary attention and avoid offence.
Photo: Artem Vindrievsky.
Controversial situations
Children
If the presence of children may become a burden for you on the day of the holiday, warn your guests about this in advance. Indicate the reason: for example, the event will last until late or there will be no children's entertainment at the banquet.
Argument that parents will have a free evening, where they can fully relax and have fun, without being distracted by their little children. However, keep in mind that not everyone will be able to leave their children with someone.
Beloved friends
What matters here is the degree of seriousness of your friends’ relationship with their passions. If you are not too well aware of their relationship, you know for sure that it is not serious, or you do not know each other personally at all, then you have the right to ask your friends to come without a partner. It is better to discuss this point in advance and explain your position.
Total
Finally, we want to emphasize a very important nuance that you need to remember when you are interacting with people whom you do not intend to invite to the wedding.
Saying “no” means expressing and protecting your own interests, desires and goals, acting to please yourself and not others. At the same time, a direct or veiled refusal is neither an insult nor an intentional desire to offend or hurt someone’s feelings.
Yes, some will be upset or offended, despite all your diplomatic tricks. Don't take it personally. In addition, there will be many more people who will be sincerely happy for you, regardless of whether you invited them to the wedding or not. Remember, the most important guests at a wedding are yourself!
Transport issue
Often the wedding cortege is made up of guest cars. If you were invited to a wedding with your own car, and you don’t want to let the newlyweds down, then you have no choice. You will have to go to the wedding in your own car, and before the wedding banquet you will have to think about where to park it for the night or even refuse to drink alcohol at the wedding banquet.
If you were not invited to bring a car, then you should decide for yourself how you want to go to the wedding: driving your own car, but with all the problems described above, or as a pedestrian, but free as the wind.
