Relationship crisis: signs, causes and ways out

All couples standing on the threshold of the registry office hope for a long and happy marriage and are confident that betrayal, quarrels, and especially divorce will not affect them. However, the cruel statistics are inexorable: in Russia in 2017, 1 million marriages were officially registered, and more than 600 thousand broke up. Psychologists carefully study these figures. Since the middle of the 20th century, they have been collecting and summarizing them, highlighting the most turning points - the so-called crises of family life, when the likelihood of a divorce process is maximum.

Today, family psychology has extensive data on this issue. This allows spouses to be warned about upcoming difficulties at one stage or another and to prepare for them. In the future, this should reduce the number of divorces. If you feel that something has changed in your relationship with your significant other, you may simply be in the state of one of these crises.

What it is

According to psychology, a family crisis is a state in a couple when homeostasis (self-regulation aimed at maintaining internal constancy and dynamic balance within the system) is disrupted, and this leads to frustration (dissatisfaction). Usually the impetus is some new situation that cannot be resolved using the usual model of behavior.

Example. The crisis of the first year of family life is most often associated with the birth of a child, which is the very impetus. Spouses can no longer maintain homeostasis (as before, visiting guests, traveling, just watching TV in the evenings), i.e., internal balance is disturbed. The wife is in a state of frustration because her husband is not helping her. He, in turn, is dissatisfied due to the lack of attention on her part. Habitual models of behavior no longer work: if previously the negativity of a quarrel could be extinguished by conversation, reconciliatory sex, or a conversation with a friend, now the problem has to be solved in other ways.

Over the years, experts have collected information about exactly what stage of the life cycle family crises occur at, and this allowed them to create several classifications.

Classifications

Regulatory crises

The main current classification of family crises is named after the famous American psychotherapist Virginia Satir. She calls them normative and identifies 10 main problematic issues that every couple faces:

1. Birth of the first child.
2. A child's acquisition of speech.
3. His admission to school.
4. His teenage period, which overlaps with his parents' midlife crisis.
5. “Empty nest” syndrome – children leaving the family.
6. Children creating their own families.
7. My wife's menopause.
8. Decreased libido in husband.
9. Mastering new roles - grandparents.
10. Death of one of the spouses.

It is easy to see that the first normative crises are based on growing up and raising a child. The viability of this classification is proven by statistics: couples who do not have children either divorce in the first 3 years, or continue to live and never break up (after 3 years of marriage, divorce in such families is only 5%). This suggests that they do not have to live through most of the difficulties highlighted by Virginia Satir and associated specifically with children.

Non-normative crises

Psychologists Eidemiller and Justitskis identify other crises in family life that are associated with unfavorable living conditions and problems that arise at different stages. These include:

• illness of one of the spouses;
• socio-economic processes (financial crisis, war);
• adultery;
• conflicts with other people;
• housing problems;
• change in the social status of one of the spouses;
• excessive load;
• state of divorce;
• domestic violence;
• adoption, guardianship.

Non-normative crises can overtake a family at any period of life and even overlap one another, which aggravates an already precarious situation.

Signs of a relationship crisis

It is quite easy to recognize a crisis in a relationship based on a number of characteristic signs:

• lack of interest in each other, harshness, irritability when talking, reluctance to spend time together;
• one of the spouses spends less time with his family, paying more attention to work, friends, etc.;
• complete indifference or, conversely, constant showdown;
• even after reconciliation and an apology, tension remains between the partners;
• avoidance of intimacy, decreased sexual activity;
• disrespectful attitude towards a partner;
• dividing close friends and relatives into two camps that support a separate husband or wife;
• differences in views on raising children, which leads to quarrels and mutual reproaches;
• different opinions on joint household management (income distribution, vacation planning, etc.);
• reluctance to discuss your feelings with your partner and share your experiences;
• partners do not strive to please or excite each other;
• imaginary or real infringement of one of the spouses, lack of opportunity to speak out, the need to indulge.

Periodization

Based on V. Satir’s classification and many years of research into the causes of divorce proceedings in psychology, periods of crisis in family relationships were identified by year. It’s worth mentioning right away that the time frames are set arbitrarily, and for each individual pair they can occur either a little earlier or a little later.

Main periods of crisis:

• 1-2 years - birth of a child;
• 3-6 years - the child masters speech;
• 7-9 years old - entry to school;
• 10-14 years - adolescence + midlife crisis;
• 15-19 years old - empty nest syndrome;
• 20-24 years old - children getting married, mastering the roles of grandparents, aging;
• 25-30 years - menopause in the wife, decreased libido in the husband.

In each period, the psychology of family crises identifies a peak that accounts for the maximum number of divorces:

• 1 year;
• 3 years;
• 7 years;
• 10 years;
• 15 years;
• 20 years;
• 25 years.

Each crisis is characterized by its own problems and, accordingly, ways to solve them. What will help you get out of an impasse in the first year of married life will no longer work after 10 years.

It is difficult to say how long each period lasts. It depends on the character and behavior patterns of both halves. Someone may wait patiently for the situation to be resolved for months, dragging it out. Others, due to their temper, cut the Gordian knot right away. As practice shows, on average, a conflict matures within 6-12 months.

Why did everything turn out this way? Seven reasons

The main enemy of the family is routine, monotony and boredom

They are the ones who dull the senses and make everyday life the same and similar to each other. There is an alarming feeling of a person driven into a corner. The dullness of everyday life kills the bright colors around, no new events occur. And at the very beginning of the marriage there were so many plans, so many dreams. The question arises: “Who is to blame for this?” And the natural answer: “Of course, husband...” And thoughts about escaping from this cycle begin to swirl.

His Majesty Life

Financial problems, everyday difficulties and goodbye to the romantic mood and acute feelings of the first years of life together, only memories remain from the serenity and lightness of life...

“As they say, “the incident is ruined,” the love boat crashed into everyday life.

I’m even with life and there’s no point in listing mutual pains, troubles and insults.”

V. V. Mayakovsky

Decreased sexual desire

This happens inevitably, because the partner has been studied thoroughly, it becomes boring and uninteresting, and tenderness, affection, and sensuality fade into oblivion. It is important to remember that sex in a couple is a consequence of the relationship. As relationships deteriorate, so does sex. If relationships improve, love and tenderness appear, then sexual relationships improve.

Lack of romance in relationships

After seven years of marriage, romantic walks under the moonlight, trips to a restaurant, unexpected, spontaneous surprises, and dates are a thing of the past.

Illusory ideas that the union is unshakable

The belief appears that “no one is going anywhere,” and if so, the attitude towards the partner becomes indifferent. Family conflicts are not resolved, not sorted out, and no conclusions are drawn. The spouses have an unshakable confidence that “we are definitely together for life.” Children, real estate, jointly acquired property are a guarantee of this confidence.

Attempts to escape from an old relationship into another

This approach makes it difficult to understand the problems that have accumulated in the couple. Attempts to escape from problems into “another life”, where one can find romance and vivid sensations, are tactically an escape from solving the problem.

Previous crises from which the couple did not learn lessons

After all, in order to go through all the unlearned lessons, there simply may not be enough time and energy.

Not all spouses are ready to make efforts, spend strength and energy to find ways out of a difficult situation. For many, it is easier to leave a relationship, often later they regret it for the rest of their lives. If a couple is ready to work together to find a way out of the current situation, then there are several recipes for finding lost family harmony.

General points

Psychologists identify three symptoms that indicate the onset of a crisis:

1. Stopping confidential conversations when spouses stop sharing their own experiences with each other.
2. Decline in sexual activity.
3. Irritability towards your significant other.

There are only 2 ways out of every crisis:

1. Constructive when the marriage survives.
2. Destructive when a couple files for divorce.

If earlier in family psychology it was believed that a constructive way out of a crisis is always positive, and a destructive way out is always negative, now such a gradation of assessment has been abolished. It often happens that a husband and wife decide to stay together because of the child, so as not to traumatize him. However, both are unhappy, can barely tolerate each other and take it out on the one for whom they saved the family. The result is psychological trauma for everyone. And sometimes, freed from oppressive relationships, people gain peace of mind, peace and a new value consciousness, which contributes to their further personal growth.

Non-standard recommendations from a psychologist

According to psychology expert Mort Fertel, standard and well-known advice for saving a marriage is not always effective. Sometimes, in order to survive a crisis and maintain a relationship, you need to act outside the box.

1. It is believed that to save a marriage, both spouses must make efforts. But to change the dynamics in a relationship, it will be enough even if one person begins to be active. With his behavior he will give motivation to his partner.
2. Doubts in a person often cause a deterioration in relationships or aggravation of the crisis. There is no need to wonder whether you married the right person and whether he is truly the right person for you. To build a happy family, you need not to look for the ideal person, but to learn to understand and love the one you have already chosen.
3. There is an opinion that separation helps to refresh relationships, so you need to live separately for a while. But if you separate at a time when you have already lost contact, this will only speed up the divorce, because... one of the partners will decide that living apart is easier.
4. Stop constantly talking about problems - start actively solving them. Such conversations usually end in arguments and mutual accusations. Methods for solving problems may be different, don’t be afraid to try.
5. There is no need to reveal your differences with your significant other to your relatives and friends, much less sort things out in front of them. The crisis concerns only the two of you, and you need to cope with it yourself. Other people's advice can only harm your relationship, because... the person who gives them does not live with you and does not know the whole situation thoroughly.
6. Sessions with a psychologist can help solve some relationship problems, provided that the couple makes the necessary efforts. The specialist will teach you to understand each other, but will not give you an exact scenario of actions to save the marriage.

1-2 years

Peak - 1 year (calico wedding).

a brief description of

The first year of married life for most couples is the honeymoon and the continuation of the bouquet and candy period. They establish a common way of life, they like to be independent and not depend on anyone, so arranging a nest is accompanied by increased enthusiasm.

However, after 1 year, the first, and quite serious, problems begin to appear. The fact is that by this time the spouses get used to each other, elementary embarrassment disappears, and then it turns out that the prince on a white horse can walk around the house in torn socks, and the miss beauty can wear curlers and a greasy robe. It’s exaggerated, but the fact remains: the chemistry of love ends, the household boat rocks more and more, and to this is added the birth of a child (most often).

Causes:

• discrepancy between the ideal of the beloved and his everyday image;
• uneven distribution of responsibilities around the house;
• mother-in-law/mother-in-law syndrome, which often causes discord in a young family;
• mismatch of biorhythms (husband is a lark, wife is an owl or vice versa);
• financial problems (especially if both spouses are too young, do not work, depend on their parents);
• living together with parents.

Most often, the crisis of the first year of family life is associated with the birth of the first child, when a young and inexperienced mother gets tired of the burden of everyday problems that fall on her shoulders. A newborn may have difficulty sleeping, eating, walking, and visiting a doctor regularly. Added to this are problems with lactation and postpartum depression. And what “finishes off” her is the need to keep up with everything around the house: cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, eating. She is guaranteed to be in a state of stress. She begins to get angry with her husband, who disappears all the time at work and does not help her.

The young father is also in a state of shock at this time. The child does not allow you to get enough sleep at night, and in the morning you have to get up for work. There is not enough money for anything, as expenses have increased sharply, either on diapers or on formula. The wife turned from a well-groomed phyto-nurse into an eternally dissatisfied aunt with blurred forms after childbirth and dark circles under her eyes. And no sex either, because she has no time for that.

Psychologist's advice

To overcome a crisis, it is necessary to find out its root cause. After all, not every couple immediately has a child, however, they also have to face the difficulties of everyday life and relationships with new relatives. Starting from a pressing problem, you need to look for a way out. What psychologists advise:

1. Each spouse must first decide for himself whether it is possible to continue to preserve the marriage with minimal losses for everyone.
2. Discover new facets of personality in your spouse, look for positive aspects, turn a blind eye to shortcomings.
3. Schedule housework duties down to the smallest detail so that they are distributed evenly.
4. Establish relationships with mother-in-law / mother-in-law as much as possible.
5. Together, try to find sources of additional income to improve your financial situation.

If the crisis of 1 year is ripe, the spouses need to sit down and talk openly about all the problems and ways to solve them. A wife should not forget to take care of herself. The husband should not disappear all the time at work.

If the cause of the crisis is the birth of a child, all problems can also be solved. It is imperative to involve grandparents to help with the baby. In case of postpartum depression, a mother needs to undergo a recovery course. Dad should, to the best of his ability, take on some of the responsibilities around the house. And most importantly, they must pay enough attention to each other and in no case refuse intimacy.

Universal advice. Romantic dates at least once a week will help save a marriage after 1 year of family life. You can ask someone to sit with your baby for a couple of hours. And constantly change the place: it could be a cozy cafe, an interesting movie, a Ferris wheel, just a trip out of town, admiring the sunset - there are many options. The main thing is to change the environment and enjoy each other’s company.

Features, types of crises

One of the main characteristics of any crisis year of family life is the fading, weakening of partners’ interest in each other (less often, this affects only one).
This can be expressed in a weakening of sexual desire, less expression of romantic feelings (a morning kiss, holding hands on a walk, giving a compliment), a lack of desire to share feelings, or ask for advice. There may also be a desire to do everything contrary, which is often explained by a subconscious desire to attract attention, to demonstrate to the partner that not everything is in order.

Also common features of crises include:

• frequent expression of reproaches and demands where there could be a gentle request;
• accusations of what was previously perceived neutrally;
• a deliberate demonstration of indifference to punish the partner and in order to push him to solve problems (which, by the way, he may be asked to simply guess, not wanting to speak frankly for fear of not finding understanding).

In the world of practical psychology of family relations between husband and wife, crises are usually divided into two categories:

1. Regulatory ones that almost all families experience. This is the beginning of life together after marriage, the birth of a child, the child leaving his parents at home, the onset of old age of the spouses.
2. Non-normative ones that not all couples face. These include financial difficulties, adultery, the test of relationships by distance (for example, during a long business trip), the distribution of roles in the family (who is the breadwinner and who keeps the hearth) and much more.

3-6 years

Peak - 3 years (leather wedding).

a brief description of

If the first crisis of family relations has been successfully overcome, there is usually a lull for a year: the child grows, becomes more independent and interesting, parental responsibilities become a habit. However, this respite will not last long. According to statistics, most divorces occur after 3 years of marriage.

Psychologists call the crisis of three years the most dangerous of all. The couple recovers from the shock of becoming parents, and many begin to look at their partner with completely new eyes. Love transforms into a habit; not a trace remains of the former passion. Everything seems too gray, everyday and ordinary. If the spouses managed to maintain friendly relations and respect for each other, they will easily overcome this period. Otherwise, they will face divorce.

Moreover, this crisis may be quite long. It covers a period from 3 to 6 years, and the peak can fall on any of the intermediate periods. Some psychologists separately single out 5 years (wooden wedding) as the most problematic moment, since by this time the child becomes old enough, does not require special care - and the couple finally makes the decision to separate, which has been long overdue.

Causes:

• lack of common interests;
• fading feelings for each other and increasing irritability;
• against the background of the previous two factors - adultery;
• the problem of living space: if in the 1st year of family life living together with parents had its advantages, then over time this worsens the situation;
• lack of finances: the family is becoming more and more independent, you can no longer ask your parents for money, but you want to go on vacation and buy a new TV;
• the appearance of a second child;
• career growth of one of the spouses.

Virginia Satir saw the growing up of a child at the heart of this crisis. He is growing and requires more and more effort and time: to educate, develop, arrange and take him to kindergarten every day. And then it turns out that dad has no time to do all this, he shifts the responsibility to mom (in some families it happens the other way around). Or it suddenly turns out that spouses have different models of raising children. The husband grabs the belt to punish his son for his prank, and the wife rushes to the defense - a conflict is inevitable.

How to behave

1. Avoid open conflicts and quarrels.
2. Don't allow yourself to get irritated. Review your photos together more often, remember the moment you met, the wedding and the feelings that once connected you. This will help revive the extinguished flame of love.
3. Take care of yourself (dress well, exercise) so as not to give reasons for betrayal.
4. Try together to solve financial and housing problems.
5. Don't rush into having your second child.

This is the only crisis when psychologists do not recommend constructive and trusting dialogue as a way to overcome the difficulties that have arisen. As practice shows, at the moment each spouse has little secrets from each other that they will hide, and conversation will only aggravate the situation and kill mutual trust. Most often, this is an affair on the side, which it is better not for the other half to know about. In 90% of cases it turns out to be insignificant and starts only to take a break from everyday life. So you shouldn’t open a meaningless scratch so deeply.

Universal advice. To save the family at this stage, you need to fall in love with each other again. Arrange a supposedly accidental acquaintance and start everything from scratch: bouquets, dates, lace lingerie, sex in unusual places. Psychologists advise the two of you to go on a romantic trip for 2-3 weeks. Such a reboot of relationships benefits everyone - including the child, who is always happy to see happy parents together.

Fifth year crisis: family and career

Maternity leave is being replaced by everyday work, and at the same time many questions about how to combine family and professional life. It can be very difficult for a woman to get involved in the work process again, and the child is still small and requires a lot of attention. A woman does not have enough energy and time to do everything. She is exhausted physically and mentally, and this does not add happiness to family life. This situation is typical for a crisis of 5 years of marriage.

What to do?

We agree “on the shore”. To get through this stage less painfully, you need to redistribute responsibilities in advance. For example, a wife can take charge of cooking, and the husband will keep order in the house. One of the spouses can take the child to kindergarten, and the other can pick it up. The more questions like these you solve in advance, the easier you will get through this crisis. Of course, at first discomfort is inevitable, but gradually you will get used to the new order.

Don't overestimate your capabilities. Of course, a woman has every right to professional self-realization. However, it is worth understanding that if you set your sights on “great things” during this period, you can get pretty overextended. The child is still small and urgently needs you; not even the most loving grandmother or kindergarten can replace a mother. By leaving home when your child is still sleeping and returning when he is already asleep, you risk missing many significant moments of his growing up. Therefore, it may be worth postponing the climb to career Everest until the child is at least three years old.

Support and more support. Trust, support and mutual assistance are very important at this moment. The opportunity to sit in the kitchen in the evening with a cup of tea, sharing problems and sincerely empathizing with each other is the key to a strong relationship. If each spouse tries not to withdraw into himself, but is ready to accept support from a loved one and come to the rescue in a timely manner, not a single crisis can destroy such a union.

7-9 years

Peak - 7 years (copper wedding).

a brief description of

According to statistics, a surge in divorces occurs after 7 years of marriage. By this point, life usually improves and gets back on track: the financial situation is more or less stabilized, the problem with living space has already been at least somehow resolved. And the spouses certainly don’t argue over who should take out the trash can. So what happens to people who have walked this path hand in hand?

This is where physiology comes into play and there is no escape. By this time, the spouses are usually 30 years old, during which there is a surge in sexual activity, and it does not find a way out. Many people no longer see their partner as an object to satisfy their desires and fantasies. They thoroughly know not only each other’s habits, but also every mole on the body. The novelty is lost, sex becomes a mechanical fulfillment of a marital obligation.

If the family adheres to Christian or simply traditional moral principles, it will endure this. But as soon as one of the spouses gives in, betrayal and divorce cannot be avoided.

Causes:

• sexual dissatisfaction;
• adultery;
• a change in the social status of one of the spouses or rapid career growth (it is inconvenient for a diplomat husband to have a wife who is a dishwasher);
• rupture of physical and emotional connection between spouses;
• life, routine, monotony.

Virginia Satir connects this crisis with the fact that the child needs to be sent to school. Parents need to make a joint decision about which institution he will study at, who will drop him off and pick him up, what clubs to choose for him, and who will go to meetings. When there is no mutual understanding, all these questions only make things worse. Quarrels are inevitable.

At the same time, the child is already developing as a person, understands a lot and begins to ask questions to which parents do not always have answers: why they don’t sleep in the same bedroom, why dad stays late at work, why they don’t go anywhere together. And such “whys” are heard every day. Such psychological direct pressure from children only widens the gap in the couple.

Parents often divorce when the child turns 8: they finished first grade together, put up with each other, and that’s enough. Unfortunately, few people are interested in developmental psychology, which strongly advises against doing this during this period. A student experiencing a divorce may have problems with social adaptation and academic performance.

How to get out of a family crisis 7 years

1. Seek help from a family psychologist.
2. Actively involve your spouse in raising the child.
3. Diversify intimate relationships, try to establish a sexual connection.
4. Find a balance between work and home.
5. Try to balance your educational level and learn a new profession.
6. Do not hold grudges and irritation within yourself, express everything in a constructive dialogue and try to find joint solutions.
7. In case of betrayal, either forgive or divorce.

Universal advice. This is the very crisis that needs to be solved through the satisfaction of sexual needs. It's time to add variety to your intimate life. Go to specialized stores together, buy something new, try, experiment. If you want to save your relationship, the two of you make an appointment with a sexologist.

How to overcome

Psychotherapy is the most effective way to deal with a family crisis

1. Try not to be offended by your partner. You need to understand that the resentment that lurks inside eats away at your soul. It is better to immediately express complaints to your significant other if you need to make a row, but not to cross the boundaries and resort to insults. After all, your words will be remembered by your partner for a long time.
2. Remember once and for all that it is unacceptable to wash dirty linen in public by talking about your problems, even if you want to share it with some close relative. What happens in your home should stay there.
3. Don't allow yourself to get personal. There is no need to insult your significant other, much less say nasty things towards relatives or friends of a loved one. If you want to express any complaints, then declare yourself, your feelings, what does not suit you, but do not say insults to the other person.
4. Try to avoid topics that could become a source of scandal. Just avoid them.
5. Do not forget that it is unacceptable for a loved one to wish harm. Remember that everything can come back a hundredfold.
6. Learn to be critical of yourself. Try to look at yourself from the outside or take the place of your partner, assess the situation through his eyes.
7. There is no need to throw out your anger and aggression on your loved one; it is better to put it on paper. You can keep a special diary in which you begin to indicate your emotions and feelings, what worries you. Just pour out your soul to get rid of accumulated stress.
8. Treat your partner with confidence, allow him to communicate with other people, you don’t need to keep him under control.
9. Give your loved one personal space. It is necessary to understand that everyone wants to be alone with their thoughts from time to time.
10. It is ideal when spouses have the same hobby and can spend their free time doing what they love. Then there will be a healthy climate in the family.
11. If any problems arise, you need to be able to analyze them and solve them in a timely manner, without delaying or letting the situation get worse.
12. If you feel like there are unresolved conflicts in your family that you can’t resolve on your own, you need to seek help from a professional. Thanks to family psychotherapy, it will be possible to improve the climate in the family.

Family psychology cannot in all cases explain how to get out of conflict situations in relationships with a partner. It is necessary to understand that different families can be equally happy, but unhappy in their own way.

Now you know how to overcome the crisis of family life. You need to realize that almost every family sooner or later faces serious problems and needs to overcome a certain barrier and improve relationships in order to move on with their lives. It is very important to be able to overcome the crisis, otherwise the matter will end in divorce.

10-14 years

Peak - 10 years (tin wedding).

a brief description of

Psychologists call this crisis of family relationships the second most difficult after the three-year one. Several problematic situations overlap here.

First, both spouses are experiencing a midlife crisis. It is characterized by a depressive state associated with the fact that the dreams of youth have not been achieved, opportunities to achieve something have been missed, and old age is already on the threshold. Overestimating your own experience can result not only in antidepressants and a job change, but also in divorce. After all, the first person who prevented you from achieving your goals is your significant other, who has been dragging you down all this time.

Secondly, the child begins adolescence (12-13 years old), in most cases it goes beyond the control of adults and becomes difficult to manage. Against the backdrop of conflicts with him, the parents enter into confrontation with each other. Phrases are heard more and more often: “You raised him this way,” “No, he is like this because you didn’t raise him,” etc.

Causes:

• prolonged depression, emptiness, emotional burnout;
• loss of interest in family, work, hobbies;
• change of environment, new connections;
• job change;
• the onset of aging (excess weight, wrinkles, gray hair);
• comparison with other, more successful people of this age.

All this is aggravated by the child’s adolescence, which requires increased attention to itself and does not receive it because the parents are going through their own problems. A situation develops in the family when everyone sits in their room with the doors locked and minds their own business. No dinners together, no going to the movies, no talking. In the end, one of the spouses cannot stand it and files for divorce.

How to overcome

1. Don't focus on your inner state. Try to help your other half.
2. Pay more attention to the teenager, talk to him, take part in his life, support healthy hobbies and interests (for both parents).
3. Expand your circle of mutual acquaintances.
4. Do not get involved in social networks and computer games.
5. Do not hush up problems, solve them as they arise.
6. Make an appointment with a family psychologist.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. To save your marriage at this stage, find a common hobby for the whole family. New impressions, acquaintances, and a change of scenery will help you overcome your midlife crisis and improve your relationship with your teenager. This could be river rafting, cycling, hiking, dancing and much more.

Crisis periods in the development of relationships.

Psychologists say that relationships between men and women go through certain stages of development. They are characterized by periodic ebbs and flows, when irritation and a series of mutual reproaches give way to a sharply surging passion.

Deep love.

This stage is characterized by a sharp emotional rise on both sides and the emergence of an irresistible attraction. It is at this stage that partners commit unpredictable acts, being interested only in their other half. As a rule, reality is distorted, and each other’s shortcomings fade into the background.

Sobering.

Gradually, feelings cool down, grounding the lovers in reality. The level of hormones decreases, the general condition returns to normal. The image of the chosen one no longer seems so ideal, and the desire to be together constantly is replaced by the desire to defend the boundaries of one’s territory, opinion, habits.

If both partners turn out to be strong personalities, a collision cannot be avoided. According to psychologists, this is a normal reaction to a surge of love, which can be compared to a hangover that comes after noisy fun. But as soon as the partner appears nearby, the feelings return with the same ardor.

Rejection or exploration.

The third stage of a relationship carries the first serious danger of separation. Emotions cool down, the rosy veil and former romance are no longer there, and shortcomings are visible even more clearly. The realization that the partner did not coincide with the expected ideal leads to constant irritation, quarrels and the proposal to “take a break from the relationship.”

The appearance of a partner is no longer enough to overcome psychological discomfort. For reconciliation, a push is needed: a bouquet of flowers, an unusual gift or other signs of attention. Having examined each other sufficiently, everyone makes a fateful decision - to reject or accept.

15-19 years old

Peak - 15 years (crystal wedding).

a brief description of

This crisis has a specific name - empty nest syndrome. By this age, children go to school, join the army, start their own families, and get a job. In a word, they begin to build their own lives and become independent. The couple, who may have been held together by children all these years, feels abandoned and lonely. It may turn out that they no longer have common interests. Such a discovery often leads to divorce even at this age.

Causes:

• children leaving the family;
• emptiness in the house and emptiness in the soul;
• lack of common interests;
• loss of attraction to each other;
• Each spouse lives a separate life.

How to improve relationships

1. Talk to each other.
2. Find new common ground.
3. Joint efforts to help children arrange their new lives.
4. Go on a long trip abroad together.
5. Let's start realizing the dreams of our youth together.
6. Do not stoop to mutual reproaches.
7. Have another child.

Universal advice. As a rule, by this time people achieve a certain financial independence. Take advantage of this. Make your spouse's dream come true. Buy him an expensive watch that he has always dreamed of, or a ticket to travel around the world. This will allow both to understand that life is not over: on the contrary, it’s time to start living for yourself.

Characteristic manifestations

The following points may indicate that you are experiencing a family crisis.

1. The loved one has ceased to seem like that, begins to irritate, the relationship has been consumed by everyday life, the disappearance of common interests, interest in the partner.
2. Lack of desire for intimacy with your spouse.
3. Concerning any issue, disagreements arise, and this can lead to serious quarrels.
4. Reluctance to listen to the partner’s opinion, the need to contradict him, to point out the wrongness of his actions.
5. Coldness of emotions. A situation when a person does not want to talk, share his secret experiences.
6. Relationships that have become monotonous or regular scandals.
7. Reluctance to take your partner's needs for granted.
8. Switching to a raised tone during a scandal, shouting, as a manifestation of the weakness of the arguments of one of the partners.
9. Decision making by one spouse.
10. Lack of family roles. A situation where partners do not understand who is responsible for what in the family. It is often observed among newlyweds, causing families to collapse.